come out, come out...

wherever you are. kwame does it again. while in hiding, he's successfully secured detroit's slot as the most shameful city in the country. and he's THE MAYOR! seriously, i don't know whether to be amused or angry with the dude. last week, kwame "i like titties" kilpatrick (nickname courtesy of Brown Guy - keep an eye out for his blog regarding this... it's guaranteed to be funnier than this one) was busted. he was having an affair with his chief of staff, but more importantly, he lied about it on the stand. well, there goes his law license. did someone say "that's mighty clinton-ish of you, kwame"? the super-cool, sneaky way he was busted? text messages (in which he stated to his lover "never busted")!!! i love it. for all the juicy verbage, check out the story on click-on-detroit. it does make you think twice about what your thumbs are saying to your cell pals, though. sure hope they never subpoena my texts!

when he was brought forth in a whitsleblower lawsuit, back in september, i thought what was going on then was nonsense. but this really takes the cake. dude thinks he's straight tony soprano.... above the law. he's throwing parties at his mansion where strippers beef with his wife, then end up whacked. he's bangin' the chief of staff and firing her employees for investigating it (their whistleblower trial is when he "allegedly" committed perjury). he had a secret get-away home down south that he was staying at last week until he was tracked down there. i wonder if the manoogian mansion has a batcave with a super speedy get-away vehicle too? and now he's totally AWOL. he will not come out of hiding or issue any public statement. hellooooooo? is anyone out there who wants to lead this city? do you feel the shame yet, detroit? remember, it was you that reelected him.

to you, mayor kilpatrick, i raise my peach-flavored swisher sweet and my mad dog 20/20 and say here's to you... oh silver tongued ambassador of motown. you could have done a lot of good for the city if not for your one weakness. seems like every issue you've had stems from one thing. it's like The Roots said: "everytime i turn around it's more pussy galore".

democracy schamocracy

despite the minute percentage of people who discuss politics all year round and will try to convince you to do the same, most folks don't pay any mind until a presidential election year rolls around. even still, the majority probably don't even participate in the primaries/caucuses and will wait until the november election before they choose to exercise their civil right to vote. it is my belief that the ones who exclude themselves from the polls altogether do so because they still think their vote doesn't count. after all, one in 300 million is far less significant than say, one in 100. i am not really passing judgement here - in fact, i rarely vote in local or state elections.

you may be aware that today is the day that michigan is holding its primary election. more likely though, you aren't. it seems as though even the potential democratic nominees (at least the major ones) have forgotten the poverty ridden, economically deficient great lakes state today. but wait. not forgotten as much as ignored. you can't really blame them. the state of michigan has chosen to break DNC rules and push their primary three weeks up, supposedly in order to boost their importance in the race. stadium status. ironically (and more characteristic of the mitten's government), they've succeeded in the exact opposite. most candidates withdrew from the primary, leaving clinton as the only viable democrat on the ballot. my beef? the city of detroit and its many suburban communities will essentially fall silent. the unemployed. the poor. the under-represented. their hopes for change, for a light at the end of the tunnel, dashed. truth be told, i understand where state leaders were coming from... the rules are incredibly stupid... but it seems to me that there must be a better way. now is not the time to sacrifice the vote in order to make a point.

http://www.publius.org/help/jan15th.asp

four years ago, i cast my vote for edwards. two years ago, i was introduced to obama.... by oprah (she changes lives!). admittedly, i was torn between the two this time around. no matter. apparently, i must sit back and let the rest of the country decide for me - i'd be happy with either of the two earning the nomination. but darkening the circle to the right of "uncommitted" today left me with an empty feeling. it was a small step backward for me, one who was jarred by the initial bush election. i didn't vote that day, eight years ago (wasn't even registered), and i learned that evening that every vote actually does count. today i did vote and in reality, it doesn't count for a thing.

to taze or not to taze?

this morning, i read about Taser parties on CNN.com. although it sounded a little sketch to me, i investigated further and discovered that yes, indeed these were akin to mary kay, pure romance and pampered chef parties. and here's the part that hooked me: most attendees were single women who live alone.

it wasn't until i became a parent and decided that i was "better off alone" that i began to lie in bed and dream up all of the horrible things that could happen to me, or god forbid, my daughter before sunlight came again. seriously, it gets me all worked up. i am, by nature, a relatively anxious person, but this pushes me over the edge some nights. i am shamed to say that i feel more comfortable with a man in the house, but i do. rosie the rivoter would be disappointed. i gotta admit, i am often scared for my life, even when there is no threat present.

but back to the taser parties... after reading the article, i decided that i want one! not as scary as a gun, but more useful than my trusty ol' baseball bat that lies hidden near my bed. i felt a weight lift from my shoulders. i had finally found a solution to protecting my small family and feeling safe again in my own home! even the $350 pricetag won't discourage me (that's what tax returns are for). imagine my dismay when i discover that they are illegal in about 6 or 7 states and michigan is one of those states. i should find out more anyway, but for now...

do any of you feel like, uh, picking one up next time you're in town???

50 bucks?!?!

another testament to how greedy the wealthy are in this country. dude from connecticut finds a check for $185K on the street. he works at mcdonalds and receives food stamps just to get by. does he cash the check? nope. in fact, he tracks down the (wealthy) landlord who was supposed to receive the check. THEN, he hops on a bus and returns the check to the lady that wrote it in the first place. keep in mind that this woman is writing a $185K check for RENT. do you know what she rewards him with? 50 bucks. i'll kill a bitch!

wow. hey buddy, hope you enjoy puttin' that 50 on your kid's winter coat layaway while this bitch heads to her $2K spa appointment. if there's ever a next time, i'd keep that shit if i were you. someone like that doesn't deserve to keep their money. if one needs to be that frugal, one should probably make sure they don't leave their rent in the streets.

updates

here are a few random updates regarding past posts...

-Californication is over and i am in love with the fictional Hank Moody. really. i want him to be real.

-i still listen to kanye's album frequently... so much in fact, i recognized a piano tribute to his beats on terry's computer! i am also loving talib's new release of course and i've heard that little brother's new album is as amazing as i had expected.

-fyi, i'm back on myspace. i'm such a loser.

-grandma's boyfriend is super cool. too cool in fact. i want to tell him to stop being so nice and helpful. on the flip side, i am still sans "gentleman friend"

-the little one is not cussing anymore, although there was one incident when she decided she could test the word "damn". "mom, is damn a bad word?" "yes, please don't say it" "but why can't i say damn?" "because i'm the mom and i said so" "but why?"..... etc, etc.

-i'm still sick to death of religious know-it-alls, but that will never change. i am, however, enthused by amaia's interest in different cultures and religions. one can never knock knowlege.

-i'm ditching comcast this week.... FINALLY! has anyone tried out AT&Ts U-Verse? i'm excited because i get way more things for way less money!

-and i still don't have a job.

that's it for now!

people suck.

people bother me. i am totally the reincarnate of my father, although i'm considerably better at hiding my disdain for humanity. my dad and i couldn't stand each other for the better part of my teenage years and now i know why - we see in each other everything we hate about ourselves. anyway, here are the winners of the "bother me the most" award this week:

1. dad jew and mom jew from the bat mitzfah i catered last weekend. they spent roughly $75K on a party for a 13 year old, consisting of circus performers, street actors, personal marquee and open bar for 300 people. obviously, all is right in the world when we can shit that kind of money away. i'd die before i even spent that much on my own wedding. we worked a 15 hour shift to pull it all off and drove an hour home in the winter storm. oh, and did i mention they stiffed us on the tip? mazel tov.

2. the guy who interviewed me a month and a half ago and hasn't filled the position yet. actually, i really liked this guy and the studio and the job... which is why i'm mad at him this week. just hire me already and fix all the self-fulfillment and financial issues in my life. i hate to wait. i believe i am meant to work one job. i'm over holding down three, thank you very much. and p.s. - i would kick ass at this job.

3. the email abuser at work. i'm not a huge fan of receiving 6 emails from one person over the course of an hour about one subject. if you really have that much for me to know, think about it for a bit... THEN email me. or write a draft and read it a few times to make sure it says exactly what you want me to read before you hit the send button. also, i don't need to be copied on all of your correspondance. it clogs my inbox, i don't read it, and it stresses me out. who fucking cares?

4. and finally, as a general rule, i'm sick of reading about children being beaten, raped and murdered in the news every day. if you do it, you deserve to die. period. go to hell.

that's it for now. the bitchiness is overwhelming this week. i can think of 3-4 things that might make it better... i'll have to work on those and check my mood next week!

the truth is never PC

recently i have decided that the major gift i covet for this christmas is "The Boondocks - The Complete 1st Season" on dvd. for those of you who don't watch, you probably have no idea what i'm talking about, and you probably shouldn't read this if satirical racism offends you. if you do watch, then imagining the context of these memorable comic quotes will force you to laugh aloud... just like i am right now. anyway, here are just a few reasons why i need this in my dvd collection:


"Dear Santa, you are a bitch nigga" *scratches out* "Dear Santa, you are a bitch ASS nigga!"

"Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night."

"I sent that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces."

"Why cant niggaz do them? Why do niggaz gotta do me? Why do niggaz gotta ride me like a rodeo show?"

"Game recognize game, Grandad, and you're looking real unfamiliar right now!"

"Black people don't need a vaccine for the flu. Black people need a vaccine that will stop them from putting rims on a Saturn."

"Nigga, you dropped your gun? That ain't gansta."

"We don't use the N-Word in this house" "Granddad, you said nigga 46 times yesterday - I counted!" "Nigga, hush."

"You better not even dream of tellin' white folks the truth! Shooot, I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now!"

"How can we invade IRAQ and have LESS GAS??? It's like invading EUROPE and running out of white women!"

"Watch closely. You are about to experience a 'nigga moment'. Webster defines the 'nigga moment' as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical Negro male. Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e., like a nigga. If nigga moments had their own category, they would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A. It's a fact."

com-smash-tic?

comcastic? sure, if the pseudo-word is meant to describe the frustration you feel after the worst customer service ever. big ups to mona shaw and her self proclaimed "hissy fit". after several poor experiences with the cable giant, i feel better about life in general now that this 75-year old granny stood up for us little people. and thank you to tone, who brought this story to my attention. who can help but smile while thinking of this woman, hammer raised above her head, shouting "do i have your attention now?!?!" after searching for a few facts to back up my rant, i was tickled to see that there are hundreds of blogs out there complaining about this monopoly. seriously, google "hate comcast" and you will get tons of hits. i even found a girl who wanted to blog about how great her zingerman's experience was and couldn't because her comcast internet was down. (sad face) i mean, c'mon... all we want is to watch our shows, surf the net and chat with our friends in peace. should it really be all that difficult?

my personal beef with comcast:

1. 2004: i ask my teenage brother to sit at the house to wait for the cable guy. since you tell me he'll show up between 8 and 5, i really need someone without a job to hang out. especially since that often means 8am on tuesday and 5pm on saturday. the guy shows up, and recites some bullshit rule about not being able to run cable where i need it to go. he asks my brother to unhook and bring my computer downstairs so he can hook it up at the door. when i get home, there is a 6 foot piece of cable, a modem and a cable box sitting inside the door.... oh, yeah, and a bill for the service call. "FUCK YOU, comcast!" my brother can have your funky ass 20 dollars for the work HE did. it took several calls from my then-boyfriend (whose name it was in) to straighten that one out.

2. i don't want your damn triple play package. i don't need a home phone. if you will provide cable, internet and phone service to me for $99, then why am i paying $118 for just cable and internet? also, to reward me for being such a loyal customer for 12 months and for paying my bills on time, you will generously increase my monthly rate by about $40. i hate you.

3. no big ten network? WTF??? i live in ann arbor and that shit is real serious around here.

4. since either nobody will speak to you on the phone OR the person who will speak to you is obviously clueless, you will schedule a call-back in the next 2 hours. "wait, did we say hours? we meant days." and guess what? the person that called back... yeah, they don't have the answer either. if they do have an answer, it's not the one i want to hear and it's delivered as rudely as humanly possible. do you conduct rudeness training for that? nobody can possibly be that rude without learning from professionals.

5. (i know, there are a lot of reasons - i'm not done ranting yet...) i am a single mother who is hog-tied indoors 28 nights out of the month. my one salvation is my "nightly line-up" of shows. of course, they are hard to enjoy when the signal keeps scrambling. it'd be one thing if i were trying to glimpse skinimax without paying for it, but I PAY for these channels. also, the signal usually seems to be weaker during season premieres or finales - when important things are happening. i'm holding out on a service call, though, to avoid another incident similar to #1.

6. i cannot STAND the woman on tv who says everyone is talking about comcast. "what does at&t like to talk about? well, lately... us!". shut up, bitch. everyone is talking about you because we all hate you. if you smile any harder (or faker), your teeth might fall out of your mouth.

believe me, if my co-op complex didn't have an agreement with this stupid company, i'd be all over some other sort of service. they're totally monopolizing the area. it felt great to cancel my internet service - more money that i am NOT giving you. in addition, my victory sometimes arrives in the form of free cable, usually as a result of them not doing their job correctly.... gasp! knowing comcast, though, they were probably still billing someone else for it all along. after all, i'm not ready to go without cable. it may be sad, but i need that part of my day.

the following logo lacks creativity, but still, i believe that it is representative of the belief of many:

"belief is a beautiful armor"

boy, i know i'm going to hear some shit about this one, but here it goes anyway...

i hate religion. i hate it because it makes people believe that they are better than you. i hate it because it can lead thousands to die in a war fought between two groups... two groups who both believe they are fighting in the name of God. i hate religion because, in my opinion, it breeds hate.

yesterday, a federal jury awarded the family of a dead marine 10.9 million dollars. his was one of the hundreds of funerals protested by "God-fearing" people who carried signs with multitudes of hateful messages: "Thank God for dead soldiers". "God hates Fags". i am sick. SICK. i am so angry that there are tears in my eyes. listen, i know that this is a small group compared to the billions of humans that practice organized religion. i know this. but the majority of my contact with religion has involved some form of "better-than-thou" attitude. according to some, my life is so empty without God. because i have not been saved, i am going to hell. also, my daughter will go to hell. i am a firm believer of live and let live as long as noone gets hurt... and i'm sure that you think i will go to hell for that, too. let me point out one thing: you believe that. you do not know that. and i disagree with you.

it's no secret that this country is based on Christianity. it is the predominant belief system and anyone running for political office who believes differently dare not say it. i'll say it because nobody's voting for me anyway(Kara for President!!!). the idea of "family values" is a pillar of our society... even if it doesn't include homosexuals, poor folk, sick folk, or intentionally single-parent households. i guess they just don't fit into the "correct way" of living in America. i've seen a close family member turn his back on his own brother, his own blood, because he is what i like to call a "super-christian" and his brother is gay. what warrants that? belief. for the record, i am extremely liberal and probably a little extreme in my way of thinking. that, however, does not mean that i would include people like rapists, muderers, or abusers into the "don't-fit-in-but-should" category. my definition of the difference is that their way of living hurts others.

i also believe myself to be an extremely open-minded person. often, i do not agree with others' beliefs about God and the likes, but i never impose that upon them. that is their own business and if that's what fills their lives with joy, then so be it, as long as they're not hateful toward others. i think that faith is a powerful thing... in fact, "faith" is permanently written on my body because i feel that it's the most important thing that a person can possess. my faith just happens to lie in myself. nobody is responsible for me but me. not even God. so why is it, then, that faith generally leads a person to believe that they are right versus someone else's wrong? who's to say what's right? i already know what most people reading this will answer to that question (God is to say), and i don't buy it. you don't know what God believes, you believe that you know through interpretation. because at some point in your life, some human being, whether it was your mother or father or a preacher, whatever, told you what to believe. it's as simple as belief - in all cases. honestly, it disgusts me that people can be so self-righteous and then use God as their defense. all i'm saying is that if you're going to preach love, acceptance, forgiveness, and/or tolerance... then practice it! God is NOT your excuse.

"Based on his interpretation of what the words were saying, trying to get to God but ends up doing the work of Satan... So it all sounds the same to me. That's why when they say one is right and the other's wrong, it just sounds like game to me. It's like God skipped past the church and came to me. No, that ain't vein to me. It's just a particular way that I came to see - the difference between those who claim to be religious and those that say they're spiritual..." - Give 'em Hell, Kweli

"When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up." - Serendipity, Dogma

"Belief is a beautiful armor. But makes for the heaviest sword. Like punching underwater. You never can hit who you trying for. Some need the exhibition. Some have to know their trying. It’s the chemical weapon for the war that’s raging on the inside." - Belief, John Mayer

bad mommy!

honestly, i can be a pretty judgmental bitch when it comes to others' parenting skills. most days, i can conjure up oodles of reasons why i'm a better mom than so-and-so. although my voyage into and through parenthood has not unfolded as expected, i still pride myself on how i've managed. of course, i love my kiddo more than anything in the world. also, i think she is relatively well-behaved for a 3 year old and quite frankly, the coolest kid anyone could hope for! for most moms and pops, i think all of this goes without saying. this week, however, my little "angel" put me in check this week. the following two conversations happened within 24 hours:

1. i preface this first story by admitting i am pro-spanking. when a kid acts up, you gotta let 'em know who's the boss. that does not, however, constitute a beat down.... just a swat on the butt. ok, so amaia's attitude had been amplified over the weekend by an overnight visit from an extremely undisciplined buddy. he was terribly behaved and after he left, she decided she would try on this "bad girl" role. it was one of the more frustrating mother experiences and needless to say, i spent most of the day yelling and spanking and she spent most of the day either in bed or in timeout. at one point, after literally draggin her into her bed six times in a row, i unleashed a torrent of scoldings at a loud volume. but i wasn't exactly yelling at her... it was more like pleading with her to give mommy a break. it went something like: "amaia, mommy's the only one in this whole world that takes care of you every day. i love you, but you gotta give me a break. i need you to listen to me and do what you're told and stop fighting with me about everything. i'm the mom and you're the kid and that's just how it is (whoa, did i just hear MY mom chuckle in my subconciousness???) and you don't hit mommy!" and the little girl, laying limp in her bed, exhausted from the fight she put up, tears in her eyes, says... "mommy, you don't hit me!" and it stopped me dead in my tracks. ouch. "you know what?", i said. "you're right. we'll talk about that." and later that day, she and i set up a heirarchy of punishments, which only involved spanking if she didn't respond to other things. this has not in any way changed my position on spanking, but it has opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes, when it's in excess, it doesn't work. a swat should be a method of scolding the child after calm reasoning and time-outs... not a method of releasing your own frustration. score one for the kiddo.
kiddo 1. mommy 0.

2. the previous evening, i returned from work to pick up the kiddo after what she likes to call "grandma day". grandma day = friday. she loves grandma day because it's her own private time with her very favorite person (oh, and her very favorite friend - luke, the dog). after hugs and kisses and stories from her day, i retrieve a beer from the fridge. but before i can enjoy it, my mom says "i have to tell you something". uh oh, i thought. "amaia said the f-word today". (insert appropriate villanous audio clip here). what i felt at that moment was mostly embarrassment because i knew who the culprit was here and it wasn't said 3 year old. apparently, it went down like this: two beanie babies are having a conversation... at some point, the blue-colored bear says "are you fuckin' serious?". grandma asks the voice behind the blue bear to verify what she has just said and the voice repeats the phrase clear as day. grandma gently explains that this is not a nice word and she doesn't want to hear it used again. the voice says "but grandma, mom says that when she's talking on the phone". (more embarrassment. more climactic audio). now, anyone who knows me well knows that this particular phrase is definitely a kara-ism. oh my god, i'm that mom. i'm that mom that doesn't take the time to watch what she says and unintentionally teaches her kid that swearing is ok. not to mention the fact that the kid can't recite her own full name or phone number, but can recite the lyrics to the new kanye album... including a few choice words there.
kiddo 2. mommy 0.

man, i got a lot of work to do. this mommy job is hard work!