Thursday, November 15, 2007

the truth is never PC

recently i have decided that the major gift i covet for this christmas is "The Boondocks - The Complete 1st Season" on dvd. for those of you who don't watch, you probably have no idea what i'm talking about, and you probably shouldn't read this if satirical racism offends you. if you do watch, then imagining the context of these memorable comic quotes will force you to laugh aloud... just like i am right now. anyway, here are just a few reasons why i need this in my dvd collection:

"Dear Santa, you are a bitch nigga" *scratches out* "Dear Santa, you are a bitch ASS nigga!"

"Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night."

"I sent that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces."

"Why cant niggaz do them? Why do niggaz gotta do me? Why do niggaz gotta ride me like a rodeo show?"

"Game recognize game, Grandad, and you're looking real unfamiliar right now!"

"Black people don't need a vaccine for the flu. Black people need a vaccine that will stop them from putting rims on a Saturn."

"Nigga, you dropped your gun? That ain't gansta."

"We don't use the N-Word in this house" "Granddad, you said nigga 46 times yesterday - I counted!" "Nigga, hush."

"You better not even dream of tellin' white folks the truth! Shooot, I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now!"

"How can we invade IRAQ and have LESS GAS??? It's like invading EUROPE and running out of white women!"

"Watch closely. You are about to experience a 'nigga moment'. Webster defines the 'nigga moment' as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical Negro male. Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e., like a nigga. If nigga moments had their own category, they would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A. It's a fact."

Monday, November 5, 2007


comcastic? sure, if the pseudo-word is meant to describe the frustration you feel after the worst customer service ever. big ups to mona shaw and her self proclaimed "hissy fit". after several poor experiences with the cable giant, i feel better about life in general now that this 75-year old granny stood up for us little people. and thank you to tone, who brought this story to my attention. who can help but smile while thinking of this woman, hammer raised above her head, shouting "do i have your attention now?!?!" after searching for a few facts to back up my rant, i was tickled to see that there are hundreds of blogs out there complaining about this monopoly. seriously, google "hate comcast" and you will get tons of hits. i even found a girl who wanted to blog about how great her zingerman's experience was and couldn't because her comcast internet was down. (sad face) i mean, c'mon... all we want is to watch our shows, surf the net and chat with our friends in peace. should it really be all that difficult?

my personal beef with comcast:

1. 2004: i ask my teenage brother to sit at the house to wait for the cable guy. since you tell me he'll show up between 8 and 5, i really need someone without a job to hang out. especially since that often means 8am on tuesday and 5pm on saturday. the guy shows up, and recites some bullshit rule about not being able to run cable where i need it to go. he asks my brother to unhook and bring my computer downstairs so he can hook it up at the door. when i get home, there is a 6 foot piece of cable, a modem and a cable box sitting inside the door.... oh, yeah, and a bill for the service call. "FUCK YOU, comcast!" my brother can have your funky ass 20 dollars for the work HE did. it took several calls from my then-boyfriend (whose name it was in) to straighten that one out.

2. i don't want your damn triple play package. i don't need a home phone. if you will provide cable, internet and phone service to me for $99, then why am i paying $118 for just cable and internet? also, to reward me for being such a loyal customer for 12 months and for paying my bills on time, you will generously increase my monthly rate by about $40. i hate you.

3. no big ten network? WTF??? i live in ann arbor and that shit is real serious around here.

4. since either nobody will speak to you on the phone OR the person who will speak to you is obviously clueless, you will schedule a call-back in the next 2 hours. "wait, did we say hours? we meant days." and guess what? the person that called back... yeah, they don't have the answer either. if they do have an answer, it's not the one i want to hear and it's delivered as rudely as humanly possible. do you conduct rudeness training for that? nobody can possibly be that rude without learning from professionals.

5. (i know, there are a lot of reasons - i'm not done ranting yet...) i am a single mother who is hog-tied indoors 28 nights out of the month. my one salvation is my "nightly line-up" of shows. of course, they are hard to enjoy when the signal keeps scrambling. it'd be one thing if i were trying to glimpse skinimax without paying for it, but I PAY for these channels. also, the signal usually seems to be weaker during season premieres or finales - when important things are happening. i'm holding out on a service call, though, to avoid another incident similar to #1.

6. i cannot STAND the woman on tv who says everyone is talking about comcast. "what does at&t like to talk about? well, lately... us!". shut up, bitch. everyone is talking about you because we all hate you. if you smile any harder (or faker), your teeth might fall out of your mouth.

believe me, if my co-op complex didn't have an agreement with this stupid company, i'd be all over some other sort of service. they're totally monopolizing the area. it felt great to cancel my internet service - more money that i am NOT giving you. in addition, my victory sometimes arrives in the form of free cable, usually as a result of them not doing their job correctly.... gasp! knowing comcast, though, they were probably still billing someone else for it all along. after all, i'm not ready to go without cable. it may be sad, but i need that part of my day.

the following logo lacks creativity, but still, i believe that it is representative of the belief of many:

Thursday, November 1, 2007

"belief is a beautiful armor"

boy, i know i'm going to hear some shit about this one, but here it goes anyway...

i hate religion. i hate it because it makes people believe that they are better than you. i hate it because it can lead thousands to die in a war fought between two groups... two groups who both believe they are fighting in the name of God. i hate religion because, in my opinion, it breeds hate.

yesterday, a federal jury awarded the family of a dead marine 10.9 million dollars. his was one of the hundreds of funerals protested by "God-fearing" people who carried signs with multitudes of hateful messages: "Thank God for dead soldiers". "God hates Fags". i am sick. SICK. i am so angry that there are tears in my eyes. listen, i know that this is a small group compared to the billions of humans that practice organized religion. i know this. but the majority of my contact with religion has involved some form of "better-than-thou" attitude. according to some, my life is so empty without God. because i have not been saved, i am going to hell. also, my daughter will go to hell. i am a firm believer of live and let live as long as noone gets hurt... and i'm sure that you think i will go to hell for that, too. let me point out one thing: you believe that. you do not know that. and i disagree with you.

it's no secret that this country is based on Christianity. it is the predominant belief system and anyone running for political office who believes differently dare not say it. i'll say it because nobody's voting for me anyway(Kara for President!!!). the idea of "family values" is a pillar of our society... even if it doesn't include homosexuals, poor folk, sick folk, or intentionally single-parent households. i guess they just don't fit into the "correct way" of living in America. i've seen a close family member turn his back on his own brother, his own blood, because he is what i like to call a "super-christian" and his brother is gay. what warrants that? belief. for the record, i am extremely liberal and probably a little extreme in my way of thinking. that, however, does not mean that i would include people like rapists, muderers, or abusers into the "don't-fit-in-but-should" category. my definition of the difference is that their way of living hurts others.

i also believe myself to be an extremely open-minded person. often, i do not agree with others' beliefs about God and the likes, but i never impose that upon them. that is their own business and if that's what fills their lives with joy, then so be it, as long as they're not hateful toward others. i think that faith is a powerful thing... in fact, "faith" is permanently written on my body because i feel that it's the most important thing that a person can possess. my faith just happens to lie in myself. nobody is responsible for me but me. not even God. so why is it, then, that faith generally leads a person to believe that they are right versus someone else's wrong? who's to say what's right? i already know what most people reading this will answer to that question (God is to say), and i don't buy it. you don't know what God believes, you believe that you know through interpretation. because at some point in your life, some human being, whether it was your mother or father or a preacher, whatever, told you what to believe. it's as simple as belief - in all cases. honestly, it disgusts me that people can be so self-righteous and then use God as their defense. all i'm saying is that if you're going to preach love, acceptance, forgiveness, and/or tolerance... then practice it! God is NOT your excuse.

"Based on his interpretation of what the words were saying, trying to get to God but ends up doing the work of Satan... So it all sounds the same to me. That's why when they say one is right and the other's wrong, it just sounds like game to me. It's like God skipped past the church and came to me. No, that ain't vein to me. It's just a particular way that I came to see - the difference between those who claim to be religious and those that say they're spiritual..." - Give 'em Hell, Kweli

"When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up." - Serendipity, Dogma

"Belief is a beautiful armor. But makes for the heaviest sword. Like punching underwater. You never can hit who you trying for. Some need the exhibition. Some have to know their trying. It’s the chemical weapon for the war that’s raging on the inside." - Belief, John Mayer